Curse of the Queerwolf (1988)

Starring: Michael Palazzolo, Kent Butler, Taylor Whitney

Directed by: Mark Pirro

Quality: * ½ (out of 5)

Awesomeness: **** (out of 5)

By Ally Melling

Chernobyl. Ronald Reagan. Culture Club. It’s safe to say the ‘80s were a scary time even before the American public advent of AIDS.

Did A Polish Vampire in Burbank director Mark Pirro set out to make one of the most insultingly homophobic films in history with Curse of the Queerwolf? Or was he providing a clever social commentary about America’s rampant fear of HIV and homosexuality? Or maybe it was a little of both?

Whatever the motivation, Pirro’s Curse of the Queerwolf is just as outrageous as it sounds…and quite a bit more. As big a parody as the title suggests, Queerwolf is a comedy that spoofs multiple horror masterpieces, but in a daring way that far predates the humorless gimmicks of the Aaron Seltzer/Jason Friedberg Date Movie team.

In an ‘80s-fied yesteryear is Larry Smalbut (Michael Palazzolo), a young man with a penchant for accidentally killing dogs and fooling around behind the back of his faithful girlfriend (Taylor Whitney). Constantly encouraging his infidelity is his best friend, Richard Cheese (Kent Butler, not the singer), who convinces Larry to avoid relationship monotony by accompanying him to bars and strip clubs in search of some strange. However, it’s not long before Larry’s philandering ways land him on top of trouble. Larry gets bitten during a sordid encounter with a supposed woman who turns out to be packing some heat, and soon he’s having dreams about Deliverance-esque rednecks and catching himself instinctively buying copies of Stud. A chance encounter with a gypsy reveals that Larry has been infected by a “dickenthrope” and is now a “queerwolf,” meaning that he will transform into a man-hungry transvestite at the rise of each full moon. Larry scoffs at his condition at first, until he begins waking up with a sore behind, receiving suggestive gifts from strange men, and being pursued by a band of clueless queerwolf slayers. The only question is will Larry be able to find a cure for the “gay plague” he’s contracted before society discovers his secret and hunts him down (ahem)?

It gets better. One way to identify a queerwolf is by spotting the sign of the “pansiegram” in the palm of the afflicted. The only way to kill a dickenthrope is…well, by introducing a silver dildo to the rusty sheriff’s badge. A decorated portrait of John Wayne is the magical talisman the gypsy gives Larry to keep him from transforming during the full moon. When the queerwolves transform, for some reason it automatically entails instantaneous heavy makeup, gaudy lingerie, manicured nails, and overly effeminate promiscuity. Even the foreboding gypsy rhyme is amazing: “Even a wrist that is strong and firm and holds up straight by day…may become limp when the moon is full and the queerwolf comes your way.”

Queerwolf is every bit as over-the-top as it sounds, but it’s that unabashed, obviously low-budget voyage into the ridiculous that makes it amazing. Though the humor often falls short (even past the pretext of accepting its offensiveness), there are moments of crazy comedic genius. Little details seal an entertaining deal, such as the colorful and often cartoonish characters and their antics. Butler’s character keeps accidentally killing his patients. A full moon rises two nights in a row. When the slayers discover Larry’s girlfriend is a woman and not a dickenthrope, they literally play themselves out of the scene vaudeville style. The dickenthrope who infects Larry is obviously a woman.

For those who love shameless parodies, the movie is full of enough The Exorcist, The Omen, An American Werewolf in London, etc. references to satisfy anyone’s hunger for the tasteless. A warning to the wise, however: Curse of the Queerwolf may be an instant cult classic, but beware the film if you’re easily offended, can’t take low-budget quality, don’t like satire, or can’t laugh at corny or outrageous jokes.

When in doubt, just remember the philosophy of the great Russ Meyer: “Nothing is obscene provided it is done in bad taste.”

Curse of the Queerwolf trailer: